When did Eastenders get so risqué? wondered a friend (new to Eastenders, it has to be said) on Facebook this week, referring to, I presume, last Friday's episode when Ryan chased Stacey/Danielle to the hotel she was staying in with Baby Lily before their flee to Abroad, dumped her into Dot's car, practically kidnapped her by driving her to a deserted parking lot and telling her you ain’t going nowhere, then tenderly lifted her onto the bonnet of said car and undressed her all the way down to her fake Ugg boots, before the camera panned upwards in what I imagine is the televisual equivalent of that old journalist line 'Our man made his excuses and left'.
Setting aside the fact that yes, sex on an OAP's car bonnet is always chavtastic (but this is RYAN did you see him with his top off last week ahem?), of course Eastenders is always risqué. I refer not to the hotel biscuit-dunking of Jane and Massoud on Monday (oh how I wish that was just a euphemism), but well, to pretty much everything on Eastenders since the year dot (dot. Huhuhuhuhuhuh.)
Ian and Janine, for example. When Janine lost her job, then became a coke addict in literally two episodes and then started shagging Albert Square guys for money in order to pay her rent then feed her Evil Addiction. No mention of the dole or housing benefit, of course. Now each to their own and I’ve never been there so I’d never judge etc, but IAN BEALE?
Ian Beale again (oh god help me). When he tried to seduce wife Jane, standing in front of her proudly in his baggy black knickers, only for Jane to gulp bravely and say Maybe we could have a cuddle. It’s Ian’s seductive face that still haunts my dreams. And this was three years ago.
Conor and Carol. I’m trying to find something witty to say about 50 year old Carol shagging the 20 something friend of her son Billie, but when I try to type it my keys just go ‘Waheyeyey’. There must be a bug.
Paaaaat and Fraaaaank. Oh dear god. Not only was there the fleeting suspicion that these two hoary old dinosaurs were actually some sort of soulmates, thus making me wonder if someone had dug my heart up from the rusty tin it’s buried in somewhere on Rathlin, but there was the Revolving Dicky Bow Incident. Twice. If you don’t know, I’m not going to tell you. Where’s my brain bleach?
Sharon and Dennis. Ah now, this was just cruel. Damaged Sharon finally found love, albeit with her adopted brother, only for him to be stabbed on their getaway from evil Johnny Allen. Not fair.
Arfur and Mrs Hewitt: What you smiling about? wife Pauline snarled suspiciously when husband Arfur came into the house after yet another clandestine meting with Mrs Hewitt on the allotment. I just want a kiss, poor Arfur replied. Wot’s wrong wif you? Pauline screeched, thus paving the way for her to cark it on her own in the snow without anyone caring.
Christian and Syed: It’s not natural! You’re going to go to hell! Ah, how nice to see that over 20 years since the first ‘gay kiss’ (read: chaste peck) on Eastenders sees two gay men in the throes of passion snogging like every other character in Eastenders in an illicit affair (desperate, Hoover-like). And now they’re living together happily, although knowing Eastenders, this will not last long.
We look forward to lots more risqué on Easties, like ginger baldy Max trying to snog Stacey in her wedding dress, or Kat and Alfie getting it together in their caravan, or even Big Mo trying to seduce Fat Elvis. If nothing else, it makes our own desperate fumblings seem less pathetic.
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